Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dear Headphones,
Uncovering. I want to type this here, because I cannot stand the building up of emotions in me. When emotions build up, I tend to go crazy displaying all the emotions at once in front of people, this was noticed by CJ who actually told me!
I've a confession to make. I did tell my cg peeps that I'd not be going out to drink/club on Friday night, that I decided to say No, for once. Right after the talk about my past relationship at Long John Silvers. I felt there was truth in what was said. It will not feel the same even if I did make it through the few months left. After all, I was not cared for anymore. I did not make a difference whether I was around or not to her.
So feeling that truth sinking in, I felt a rush of sadness. I made a decision to go to Zouk with my Starbucks Peeps to let loose.
At Zouk, I thought only the few that turned up, 5 guys and 1 girl were all there is to club with. In the end, she turned up. If anyone knew at all, I usually dance and let loose, eyes closed, feeling the music, on my own. The best part, I wasn't even high, I drank like 2 jugs of Cranberry Vodka (If you put all the jugs together), 2 cups of Fruit Juice with Vodka, Half a Jug of Redbull Vodka, half a cup of Bourbon Coke. There's no excuse for not feeling any hit for 5 hours. Ok, back to the story, I was off in my own world, feeling the music when my friends asked me to dance with the girls, I was abit reluctant at 1st but gave in. To fast forward abit, in the end, I landed up dancing with a girl I did take notice of when I met her at our store. Shall skip the unspeakables. Anyway, stuff happened, please remember I am not drunk and so was she. I haven't felt this strange feeling deep inside my heart for a long while. The rest, I'll only tell those I'm closest to :P After last night, I'm still confused, troubled and lost.
To Vincent: I'm disappointing you, I know. I said I wouldn't go, I did. I said I would stay away, I didn't. That's why I decided to talk to Jia Hui 1st, and type what happened here. This is like the 20 or so times I talk to you bout just this one problem. Relationship problems have plague my life so far, and yes, I agree with you if I do not have a breakthrough, I would not move on in life. I would not disagree to the fact that a relationship does pull me down and slows going on with time for life. Your advices do not go through a deaf ear on me. Here's why.
I'm not saying God's love is not enough for me. I'm not saying my friend's love is not big enough (I love you guys to bits). The reason why a relationship is so important to me, is that I would have someone to relate to, someone really close that I could have fun, cry, laugh, hold on to, tell secrets, go places, most importantly, move on with life together. Sounds like I wanna get married right? The thing is I am ambitious, I've dreams, but a relationship can take these further to share the joy with. At the moment, I am alone, I live alone, I cry alone, I scream alone, I dance alone. Not that my friends don't matter, they won't be there when I really need someone to love. Note: I have a love as huge as the universe, this is to those that try and find out who I really am. I'm saying this because I not deprived of love, I've too much in me that I want to give to only one person. At the rate I'm going at loving everyone the same, I'm soon going to find myself defeating the purpose of having to love at all!
All at the same time, I'm scared of it all happening again. There are more issues, but this is the biggest.
Hope you understand. I'm sorry Bro, please forgive me.
The Guy
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