Sunday, April 25, 2010
Just wanted to thank God for one more thing. Today He has made me realize one thing. When I let go. Forgiveness follows. Happiness and smile returned. I love Him so.
** What's better to wake up to, amnesia? or a bad memory? I'd choose amnesia.
Saturday has ended!!!!!!!! Shall skip to the part where it all matters most. Ladies and Gentlemen, Headphone's Guy has gotten his smile back! Yes!
Where positiveness matters and being myself. It feels so good to be back!!! Hola, Laurel's in the house!
This is also where the count down begins, 8 WEEKS!
** To have seen you smile and be happy, was enough to have made me smile. It's all in His hands now. I had a dream this week , whether it'll be real or not, we'll see, I'm not revealing it here.
is not going to be in my vocabulary. At least for the moment. No explanation needed. Just that when that times comes, I'm sure, its going to be wonderful. When its going to come, only God knows.
Time and time again. The same word has been appearing to me, "wait". If you check my archives for this blog, always "wait" appears whenever this issue hits. Apart from that are the constant talks of patience. Yes, people may wait to charge into things, not excluding myself from this group. But it always ends up haywired.
Yes I've struggled, but during all this time, I've learnt what the difference between true love and liking someone really is to me. Differentiating the two always posed as a problem to me. Recently. Broken through, although painful, but rewarding. I know what I was looking for. Thank God.
I so don't want the "old" me to come back. Whenever my heart gives in, and gives it all, it always falls into the pit hole of black.
I won't regret anything that has happened, cause it was all for real.
Still standing by the fact that if I fall in love, I fall wholly and fully. Unconditionally and crazily. I think it should be that way. For now at least I wanna save that until the day.
**Holding onto, only in a different way, this time letting it all go into His Hands. For when the times comes, He will give it back, then it'll be righteously right. Wonderfully what should be there.
This I cannot keep in, but surprise surprise, I'm experiencing chest pains on the left side of my chest. I'm praying it'll go away. This is not good.
More to come tomorrow peeps, planning to embark on a day of prayer. =)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Don't know whether I'm bored or whether I feel this should be in order to get myself moving.
This is a list of steps I'm going to take.
Step 1: STOP LISTENING TO EMO SONGS.
Step 2: START SMILING LIKE A MAD MAN. (This is insane.)
Step 3: Think about random stuffs.
Step 4: Concentrate fully and holly on God, friends that matter the most (Everyone), and my training.
Step 5: Sit down at the end of the day, feel glad that I've done something.
Aight, now move your ASS LAUREL!!
Hooooooooooolllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa People!! Its been what, a helluva long time since this blog has ever been active, portraying the deepest, meanest, crudest and most yet complicated part of yours truly's black mystified mind! Somehow this blog has been everything to me, yet neglected since I entered OCS. Trust time and tide to bring it all back. Firstly an introduction to this beautiful place, this has been my sanctuary of pure (not innocent) thoughts, thoughts that have projected the very essence of life to me. The happenings, around, in and out of society, the effects and a story of ups and downs. This place has been through war, love and death.
Yes, society has started to use tumblr. Shit, tumblr's cool but too much graphics, I'd rather paint a picture with words (No offence tumblr users, your stuff's cool! =) Facebook, can't replace writing (Or typing) my thoughts, this is still the best place.
Disclaimer: This blog will not and will never be affixed or placed with Army related information. LOL.
Headphone WORLD NEWS
Anyways. Lets just start off fresh. In just two months alone so much has been changed, so much has been broken (not just literally) and yet so much apologizing to do.
I'm going to be honest here, cause I feel honesty's the best policy, hates keeping things inside so much, eventually it'll all come out.
Firstly, there's a change in my cell group. Apparently, N397 has dispersed. Sobs. I'm now brought to N246. New environment, new people, just the wrong timing. Not slaming you guys! The peeps at N246 ARE GREAT! Seriously, I hardly know you, but you're all so interested to know all about my life. Guys you're knocking at the right door but the door's jammed at the moment. Things are not going quite the way for me now. I'll somehow find the reason to smile again. When that happens, then you'll truly know the real me and what's it like to know me. For now, read on! I'd like to apologize to the peeps at N246, SORRY!
Headphones guy has fallen into and out of love. Yes, again, for those who have faithfully followed my blog would know. What happened you ask? (Not mentioning any names)
When guy meets girl, impossibility became possible. What seemed so right became everything so wrong. Wrong timing for everything to happen. Both had dreams, to fulfill and work on. Personal goals and issues to settle. Factors like these weighed down heavily on two people who just seemed to try find ways out. Until the balance just tipped over and the milk spills. Something had to be done, and it was. Never could two pretend to be happy and all is well, when disaster could strike at anytime. Had it gone any further, yes, the pain would be unbearable. I appreciate her for being honest and for what she did, I just didn't want to face it. I'm a fighter, I just fought and fought, but fought blindly. Hurting what we had, worse, the friendship we had in the process just being stupid enough not to let go when it meant the best.
Now its hard, just to even be normal. Its just time's like this that you just want to turn time back. To look at it in another perspective, it was a test of both worlds. Which is more important? What we're meant to do or just trying to control a disaster waiting to happen. Not saying that we'd end up a chaos, but it just wasn't the right time. I should've listened. She spoke, I just turned a deaf ear didn't I? Stupid boy. Sorry girl. From the bottom of my heart.
Nevertheless, I really want to ask. Just as friend. Really, sincerely, deeply, truly. A concerned "How are you?" But my mouth never seems to open. Just the thought that "she most probably won't reply" keeps flying into my mind. I'd prefer how we used to be. Just normal friends, who just shared everything with each other. Missed those days.
Yes, I'm not boyfriend material, can't really trust myself. Can't trust myself loving anyone.
Moving on, apart from heartbreaks, things ain't so good as thing start falling brick by brick. Life seems to take an evil turn. When the normally talkative and open laurel becomes so constrained by fear of letting people know him. Hardly makes friends nowadays.
Mainly why that smile hasn't come back yet, is the cause of spiritual dryness. Nothing compares to that, sigh. So much to go through, Army training, stress, etc etc. Just finding excuses along the way, and putting up a front only can last for a while. Until I really face the real problem. Me.
I just wanna be me, please come back Laurel. I'm begging you. Please smile. Please.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Now that I'm among the stars, Can I climb higher?? To be that bright North Star? I've done it once, I'm sure I can do it again. For I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me! :)
Monday, August 24, 2009
When all the world's a stage, and we are all players. I imagine my world to be just a concert, and we're all playing a gig. In each and everyone's world, we're all playing our own concerts, and we're the lead. How we sound, is determined by how we perform our songs. That happens when we're put under the spotlight. What will you play? Emo? Hard-rock?
This is just a thought.
Cause when I'm under a spotlight. I tend to worry more about what other's think about me, my song goes way way off. I need to be more myself. To find my sweet spot, between having to care about what others think and caring what I think of myself.
Had a fun day. :)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
What should not be happening should not be happening. Its like the cycle has gone around. I shall not think too much. :)